Thanks

Thank you everybody who commented on my last post. I really needed to hear all that. I keep telling myself that he's a good kid and doesn't mean to act the way he does (all the time..) but sometimes he can't help it and that's not his fault. Sometimes I just want to shake him and ask him what the hell is wrong with him, but I already know.

It really doesn't help that i'm already stressing about Kyle's upcoming surgery either. I think i'm gonna need some happy pills to get me past this surgery. It's not until September, but it's already hit me like a ton of bricks. I was watching Guardian Angel M. D. the other night and it showed a scene where the parents were saying goodbye to thier little one as the nurses took him off to surgery and all of those emotions from Kyle's last three surgeries came flooding back. It is so unbelievabley hard to send your little baby off to major surgery. They walk down that hallway thinking everything is fine and then come back to you on steroids and morphine and they don't know what the hell happened, they just know that Mommy let it happen. I know that it has to happen and there's no alternative, but I HATE IT. I hate seeing my baby like that with his precious little face swollen up like a big marshmellow and tubes and wires hanging out of every opening of his little body. I want to be able to prepare him for this but there's really no way to tell a 17 month old that doctors are going to cut open his face. I have hopes that the recovery will go smoothly, but I really doubt it. This will by far, be the most complicated surgery he's had to date. They are going to close his submucous cleft palate, close his aveolar ridge and do a lip revision. He'll be fine and we'll all get through it, momma's just gonna need some major therapy and quite a few bottles of vodka to keep sane until all of this is done.

"Yes I worry about her future, her challenges, her resilience and her pain. But in the quiet night, when I hold her against me, all that matters is that she is mine, my baby, my own."
--Patricia Bacon Smith

Stuff and junk

Alright, I know i've been quiet lately. I don't really have a good reason as to why except that i've been sort of depressed and overwhelmed with everything that is going on. I thought about shutting the blog down or just changing it to a different site so that I could write anything I want and not have to worry about depressing every body else, but I decided not to do that. For a while I wasn't even sure that I wanted to post anything about all that's been going on for fear of people critisizing my parents or coping skills, but at this point I just don't care. I need to talk about this stuff somewhere and since this is my blog I figure this is probably the place to do it since I don't want to bore my husband more that I already do...

So, i'm sure at this point you are wondering what the hell is going on, right? Well, there's been a lot going on. Tyler, my oldest boy has been diagnosed with ADHD (at 4!!) and we have been having a really hard time dealing with his behavior. It seems like every time we take one step forward we go two steps back. It's gotten to the point that he is being agressive with the little one, is getting into every thing possible and is just generally hard to be around. And now it seems that every where I turn that people are telling me that it's somehow my fault. I don't know, maybe it is. Everybody has an opinion on how I should talk to him and what kind of punishments I should use and how I'm just a crappy parent because I can't control my child. I don't even want to take him out for playdates anymore because I'm so insecure in my parenting skills. I don't want other parents sitting there saying "what is wrong with her" or "why can't she control her child." I am doing the best I know how to do damnit. And on top of that, it seems that everytime we do get together with somebody, Tyler ends up getting blamed for something that is not completely his fault. I know that he's hyper and is hard to deal with but that doesn't mean that every time another child starts crying it's automatically his fault, but he gets blamed for it either way until it's sorted out. It just kills me that my kid is always made to look like the bad guy and that every where we go that there is always somebody yelling at him. I know the kind of stress that he can put on people, but that doesn't mean that everybody needs to gang up on him. He's only four years old, but because he's a big kid everybody assumes that he should act a certain way. But again, he is only FOUR. Any other four year old can pull all kinds of crap and not really get in trouble, but when mine does it, it's just not acceptable. Whatever... Shit, I don't even know where the hell I was going with this, I guess I just needed to get it off of my chest.

Okay, i'm gonna go cry into my soda now. Please don't let me scare you away from commenting or anything. I really do want to hear what people have to say. I just want them to tell it to me, not to my child or behind my back...

Note: I'm really not trying to blame everything on everybody else. I just get overwhelmed sometimes and that is how it feels to me. Tyler is a great kid and it just kills me that other people can't see that. I should prolly just erase this post, but i'm not going to because like I said before, I gotta say it somewhere and the hubs doesn't want to hear it.

I'm not ready for this!!

Why do children insist on growing up so damn fast?

I took the boys to the park today and we all had a good time. The boys both met some new kiddos and I actually got to have some adult conversation. Good times. BUT, there was this little girl there today, cute as can be, maybe six or seven who was running around telling boychild #1 "I bet you can't kiss me on the lips!!!!" What? Kiss her on the lips? She's SIX! Seriously, I thought they didn't spit that kind of stuff out until they were at least ten. Thank goodness that T thought she was saying he couldn't "catch her." At least my child is still innocent. Yeeeaaaahhhh right.